Wordless Groans

January 8, 2022 Tiffany

Who is the man who fears the Lord?

Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.

His soul shall abide in well-being,

and his offspring shall inherit the land.

The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him,

and he makes known to them his covenant.

My eyes are ever toward the Lord,

for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Psalm 25:12-15

As we drove home from a luncheon and a couple of afternoon errands, I silently committed to writing this Bible study. So here I sit, washing down a long afternoon with a hot cup of salted caramel cocoa (with marshmallows) and my laptop.

Truth be told, I lack words in this season of life. I work in technology, specifically financial technology ("fintech" for short). It's an industry that is currently in significant disruption mode. Defi. Crypto. NFT. Disintermediation. Unicorns. Crazy valuations of start-ups. Mergers and acquisitions daily.

Here's the deal: there is a lack of language to narrate a disruption when there is disruption. It's why when you walk up to someone on the street, there's a 95% chance they can't explain what a blockchain is and how it works. Or, the purpose of a non-fungible token (NFT) and why someone would pay $17k for one. That's what disruption does: it confuses the language.

I've struggled in these last several months to conjure the words to explain what feels like the most holy-filled and severe soul disruption I've ever experienced. It’s like breathing fresh air for the first time and suffocating simultaneously. It’s a darkness so dark, it’s actually Light.

If you wanted to have coffee with me so I could talk to you about it, I'd altogether avoid the subject. Not because I don't want to conversate, but because I don't have the language or narrative to form cohesive thoughts. I have no formidable wisdom to offer to you because I am still learning how to communicate with God about it all. [I also wouldn't talk to you about it because I only do vulnerable on my terms (I'm working on that, too).]

Romans 8:26 has held new meaning for me in this season:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Wordless groans. That is the best language I have derived thus far in this soul disruption. And, I know He understands because He wrote those words Himself — knowing that thousands of years later, I would need to read them.

Yesterday evening, I had a bit of alone time (rare). So I jotted down a list of the pressures and stressors I've experienced over this season. It was helpful to acknowledge the stress to myself. To sit and recognize that what I've experienced, watched unfold, pushed through, sucked up, and not felt was significant. And it all affected me significantly.

Our Western culture has idolized knowledge and logic (left-brain), and in turn, many are ill-equipped to utilize the other half of the brain God created (right-brain) in an integrated and balanced way. We have failed — especially as a Church — to acknowledge that healing is layered, and each of those layers requires us to "feel felt" and have seasons of "wordless groans."

I grew up in church, and the message was: focus on God and don't dwell on any of those "bad" emotions (jealousy, envy, fear, etc.). So, what did that teach me? First, it taught me not to feel. Secondly, it led me to leave emotions in an unredeemed state instead of bringing them before the King to process with me.

As we read Psalm 25:12-15, it talks of fear (the good kind). We know the fear of God is concentrated on His holiness and being in awe of Him. But, if we have not laid before Him our personal, deep-seated fear, it is impossible to grasp the fullness of God's character. Do I know He is holy? Absolutely. Does it change that I still fear being abandoned, unseen, or unprotected? It does not. At least, not until I let the Lord reconcile and redeem it.

How am I to reconcile these two feelings? First, I know we should only fear God; secondly, I have feelings of fear that aren't from God. To allow God's redemptive work with our emotions and feelings, we must acknowledge that other fears exist.

Just like I jotted down that list of my stressors recently, the same works with our fears. So if I were to break down those stressors by asking myself, "What are the fears that exist underneath these circumstances?" it would reveal more truth.

You can do this same prayerful exercise, too. I've found the easiest way is by finding a blank piece of paper and pen and writing out my fears. Start by writing: "I fear _______________." Keep writing until there's nothing left for you to name.

Once you've asked God to help you articulate and acknowledge the fear, you can actively give it to God to redeem.

Once I've written all that comes to me, I write a prayer to God at the end:

"Father, I humbly ask that you would remove these fears because Your Word says that You did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)."

I then shred up the paper and throw it away as an act of releasing it to God. This prayerful practice may sound silly at first, but the book of Psalms is an example of this practice. When we write out our fears and release those to God, it clears the way to fix, fasten, and focus on Him.

Too often, we try to focus on God, and we end up ignoring how we feel. "The feels" will find a way out, friends. And, it's typically via unhealthy behaviors, addictions, and the like. That's why we're an addicted society — it is the ungodly consequence of idolizing logic and knowledge and not living an integrated life with the King.